“Sex after 50 can be the best sex of your life.” Iris Krasnow*
My guess is that when you were in your 20’s the thought of your parents or anyone over 40 having sex was a bit disgusting. But now that you are past 50, 60, 70, or 80, I’m hoping that sex is a pleasant and desirable thought and an exercise that you practice regularly. Sex doesn’t and shouldn’t have an expiration date. Of course, sex is different as we age, and yet I know many would agree with me that it can be better than it’s ever been. Let’s talk about it…
Our bodies change. Okay let’s face it, our bodies change with menopause. The good news is that we can change some of the changes. Menopause comes with a decline in estrogen and androgen. For many of us, with this decline comes vaginal wall thinning, dryness, and a loss of elasticity. This often results in painful sex. I experienced this, which had me thinking everything must be broken down there. This is sometimes the place where your desire for sex declines, assisted by diminishing libido, and your sex life can end. Because I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel, I tried the usual recommendations of lubricants and vaginal moisturizers, however, I quickly learned that those things do not affect the loss of elasticity. Take my word for it, without elasticity, not much can happen there. I tried traditional (synthetic) hormone replacement therapy or HRT, which my body immediately refused. It’s so important to listen to your body. HRT’s serious side effects include increased risk of blood clots in the legs and lungs, uterine and breast cancer, heart disease, vaginal bleeding, and stroke.**
I continued researching for a solution until I found Bio-Identical Hormone Replacement Therapy, which renewed my sex life. Bioidentical hormones are different from those used in traditional hormone replacement therapy (HRT) in that they’re identical chemically to those our bodies produce naturally and are made from plant estrogens. The hormones used in traditional HRT are made from the urine of pregnant horses and other synthetic hormones.
It’s also important to be aware that men are also affected by the physical changes of aging, referred to as andropause. Their most common challenge can be erectile dysfunction or ED. Erections don’t come and stay like they used to and/or his penis might not get as hard or big as before. Let this be a reminder that you are not in this alone. Just as you have ways to manage these challenges, so does he. I had a partner once who was quietly struggling with ED. When I broached the subject, he shared that he was unable to tolerate the prescribed medication and felt at a loss (no pun intended). I recommended he look into bio-identical hormone replacement. When we spoke a few years ago, he was happy to report that he was back in the swing of things. This blog is not about HRT, but feel free to hit me up if you have any questions.
It’s been a long time. There are different reasons for abstinence, however, the good news is that you can still safely resume sexual activity even if it’s been a while. However, going long periods of time without having sex after menopause can actually cause your vagina to shorten and narrow, which may cause more painful experiences.*** Speak with your doctor or a bio-identical hormone replacement specialist for help. You may also consider “outercourse.” Outercourse can be everything other than the penis in the vagina. That leaves you with an array of things to explore. Outercourse is also a good way to work up to intercourse by providing more intimacy by exploring parts of each other in a very present way. It is also perfect for same-sex relationships and self-pleasuring. For more ideas check out AARP’s, Senior Planet article, “Senior’s Guide to Sex Without Intercourse,” by Joan Price, November 6, 2016. There are some juicy suggestions in this article.
Benefits of a healthy sex life. Sex can not only make you feel good immediately but has some valuable health benefits. That includes: lowered blood pressure, lowered heart attack risk, improved immune system, improved bladder control, improved sleep, stress relief, better memory, weight loss, lower pain levels, increased self-esteem, improved libido, and increase vaginal lubrication. If you’re not having sex, this list should be enough to give it a high consideration, even if it’s only with yourself.
Yes, we are still doing it. A University of Michigan/AARP poll found that 40% of those between 65 and 80 reported being sexually active, with more than half of those who have a partner saying that they still engage in intimate encounters. When it comes to those in their 50s, a separate study found that up to 91% of men and 86% of women are sexually active. Here are a few other interesting nuggets from that AARP-sponsored National Poll on Healthy Aging:
72% of people between 65 and 80 have a romantic partner and of those 54% are sexually active.
Close to two-thirds of those 65 to 80 say they’re still interested in sex whether or not they are sexually active.
Women were less likely than men to be sexually active – 31% overall, compared with 51% of men – but were more likely to be extremely or very satisfied with their sex lives.
Come on, Ladies! Let’s not let the men have all the fun. This is an older poll so hopefully, the numbers have increased for women.
Better than before! Of course, it was good and desirable and fun before, so what makes it better now? There is freedom that comes with age. That freedom can and should affect every part of your life, especially in this area.
We’re not as concerned about what other people think, which can really help to let go of our inhibitions. We are generally more accepting of our bodies and so are our partners.
We as women were so often committed to pleasing our partner that we would sometimes do whatever was necessary to please him. That may have included faking an orgasm to make him feel good or to just end the marathon. We were afraid to communicate our true feelings for fear of rejection. At this stage of the game, we’re more confident. We know what a good orgasm feels like and we’re willing to ask for what we want. Thus we having much more fulfilling orgasms.
We don’t have the time constrictions of the past. So we don’t have to reserve sex for late evenings after work, or after the kids have gone to bed, or settle for a quickie. We can take the time to enjoy each other. And we don’t have to worry about getting pregnant.
So you can stop looking for the expiration date of your sex life. And remember sex is like fine wine, it gets better with age. So take your time to sip and savor the flavor of good healthy sex.
References:
*Iris Krasnow – author of “Sex After…Women Share How Intimacy Changes As Life Changes.”
** “Hormone Therapy (Estrogen Therapy, Estrogen/ProgestinTherapy) MedicineNet, by Melissa Conrad Stopler, MD, 2/19/2021.
*** “Postmenopausal Atrophic Vaginitis,” Healthline, by Sandy Calhoun Rice, March 7, 2019.
Love & Light,
Renee